Ciel Phantomhive's User Guide
by xXHanamizukiXx
Summary: Ever wanted to own a CIEL PHANTOMHIVE unit? Read this manual NOW to learn how to take care of him! Inspired by whoever started making these brilliant guides...I think the original was for Lord of the Rings.


So it's come to my attention that Kuroshitsuji needs the extremely popular version of Theresa Green's "Owner's Guide and Manual." Basically, this manual is a profile of your anime/drama/fictional character, turned robot. Just pretend you've received a Ciel Phantomhive and you're reading the manual.

WARNING: EXTREME CRACK, HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE AND GUARENTEED TO BLAST YOU OFF YOUR SEAT LIKE A MEGA FART.

Ok...that sounded wrong.

Anyway, CIEL FIRST!

Owner's Guide and Manual: Ciel Phantomhive

Congrats, you are now the owner of a small, 13-yr old CIEL PHANTOMHIVE unit! To take proper care of your grouchy little lord, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you read this, otherwise the Ciel Phantomhive unit will automatically summon a SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS unit to attack you. Regardless of whether there is a Sebastian unit around or not.

Your Ciel Phantomhive unit comes with the following:

Two smart little burgundy coats

Three pairs of black breeches/trousers

Underwear (DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DRESS THIS UNIT. Even though he can't even tie his own shoelaces he will fly into EXTREME RAGE mode unless if you purchase a SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS unit.)

Two pairs of buckled black Mary Jane shoes

Two large striped blue bow ties

One top hat

One cane (Note: If angry, you may want to keep this away from him. He may whack you into submission)

Three white ruffled button-up shirts

Four pairs of socks

Our company takes no responsibility for any injuries caused by any of our units. Or marital issues, since your spouse may be concerned about the extremely adorable blue-haired grouch now in a cardboard box at you feet.

To remove your Ciel Phantomhive and re-program it: There are several methods to do this.

Cook up or get a Sebastian unit to cook a wide variety of desserts. Take a piece of whatever-cake and wave it tantalizingly in front of the box's breathing holes. Your Ciel Phantomhive will immediately lose all ideas about making a slow grand entrance and spring out like a Jack-In-The-Box.

Just scream that Sebastian is getting ass-raped by Grell. Of course, that only works if you have the special Bitchy Yaoi Lover's edition. Otherwise your Ciel unit will stay inside from fear of being scarred for life.

Your Ciel Phantomhive unit comes in several different modes:

Normal: Just plain sarcastic, and grouchy, and evil. The typical teenage genius with a severe case of angst.

Forlorn: He'll seem more sulky than usual, and snap at you more often.

Sweet: Usually activated when around very important figures, or perhaps the ELIZABETH MIDDLEFORD unit. You might get a nice smile out of him too.

Annoyed: Either activated by you, your mom, your rapist (WHAT?), Sebastian, Elizabeth, and the looooong line goes on and on.

Ciel/Alois: (locked) You can only get this one if you've upgraded your unit with the Special Upgrade: Crappy Season Two with A Delusional Blonde. If you have not upgraded your Ciel unit with this upgrade then you cannot experience the TWO-IN-ONE modes.

Yaoi: This..is pretty self-explanatory.

Your Ciel unit can perform a variety of jobs:

Performer: Yes, he's been in a circus before. Yes, it was in the manga. Yes, his stage name was Smile. Yes, he wasn't exactly happy about it.

CEO: He runs a company. He's our age, and he runs a company. Enough said. Although he may fall asleep on his desk, and treat you to an "Awww...sooo cuteeee" scenario.

Food:

Ciel units will pretty much eat anything luxurious. But if your idea of luxurious is half a can of tuna (either you're a cat, a cheapo, or a hobo...how did you afford this anyway?), then you should get a Sebastian unit and have him decide what to make for the darling Count.

Cleaning:

Get a Sebastian unit. Or, you can just leave him alone, and he'll be disgusted and go try to clean himself. But as incompetent as he is (remember, he can't tie his shoelaces) he might drown himself in the bathtub.

Questions and Answers:

Q: My Ciel Unit's laughing manically! I can't get him to stop!

A: You must have upgraded him to Special Upgrade: Crappy Season Two with A Delusional Blonde. Just leave him alone for a while, in an empty room, and when you take him out, his eyes should be red and back to normal, although a bit more dark. Duh. He's a demon now. One good thing: you don't have to cook for him anymore.

Q: When I opened the box, a dark blue-haired pineapple style guy with one red eye and one blue eye jumped out and impaled me to the wall with a trident! Now he's walking around my living room saying, "Kufufufu." What the HELL should I DO?"

A: Oh my, looks like we gave you a MUKURO ROKUDO: KATEKYO HITMAN REBORN unit instead. You can send him back and get a refund or a Ciel Phantomhive unit. Or you can just keep the hot homicidal pineapple. Er..by the way...I think you might need to call an ambulance..are you there? HELLO?

Considering that your lovely new toy is going to be 14 forever, after the Season Two with A Delusional Blonde upgrade, just make sure who you're leaving this sweetheart to in your will, otherwise he might disappear and pop up ten years later in Thailand, riding a llama. Why a llama? I dunno.


End file.
